From the Diary of Q Berry
by Tutorgirl92
Summary: After giving Rachel up to Puck, Quinn contemplates her future. Rated T Quickleberry Based off an RPG
1. Chapter 1

This started out as just a diary for an Quickleberry RPG that I belong to on tumblr, where I play Quinn, and somehow it just turned into so much more as a one-shot. The grammer might be screwy but considering its a diary entry I see that its suppose to be that way. Its a one-shot, so enjoy!

Quickleberry = Quin + Rachel + Puck

* * *

Dear Diary;

I'm letting Rachel go, funny isn't it? Someone I didn't eve know I wanted until I had, then fought like hell for and now I'm letting Puckerman of all people have her. I know she loves me, but not in the ways that I know she loves him. The look in her eyes on the couch Friday morning told me everything I needed to know and I knew then that even fighting till my last breath wouldn't get me anywhere. Was I stupid to think that Rachel Berry of all people would stick with me? I made her life hell in high school and then took forever to admit how much I truly did love her. Puck has never been one to keep his mouth and I guess in this case maybe if I had opened my mouth, maybe if I had fought a little harder or showed her how much I loved her, maybe she would have picked me. Maybe his pull over her wouldn't have been so strong and maybe just maybe I could have had a chance at happiness. We're married, but I'm letting her love another man. I'm letting her fuck another man, am I seriously the stupidest bitch on the planet or what? I know what'll happen, I can already feel it in my bones. This will last for a while, maybe even a year...and then...she'll realize that she can't have all the things she wants with him if we're still married...she'll kindly ask for a divorce and because I can never say no to her...I'll say yes and wish her all the happiness and love in the world. Maybe I'll even sit in one of the pews at their wedding, a fake smile on my face, a dress that's to tight and a flask full of vodka in my purse. I'll smile along with the rest of the crowd, and ignore all the chitter chatter the two anomalies are talking about because I'm there...and then she'll walk over to me, pull me aside, and thank me for giving her the chance to love him. To let him experience love and let both their dreams come true with one another. Of course they'll buy a house on the island, or maybe they'll even go back to Lima. I'll be told constantly that anytime I'm in the area just to stop by, the doors always open (how stupid of me to have told Puck that when we got the apartment in the city) and one day I will be in the neighborhood and I'll pull up and the house will be perfect, exactly what she always dreamed about. Except its there house, not our house, and inside a very pregnant Rachel is helping Puck out with something maybe they'll even be on the front lawn trying to bring in furniture or fix the wilting daisies. I know I won't be able to stop in, and I'll simply drive off...and I won't come back.

Naturally I'll get a birth announcement in the mail, a perfect baby boy with her eyes and smile. Those perfect deep brown eyes...and I'll even hang it on the fridge. I'll go to the Bris, because of course I have to be supportive and make her think I'm ok on my own and maybe just maybe I'll hold that little boy for a couple seconds...and sadly dream that it was our son, in our perfect house, in our perfect life. But just as fast as he's handed to me, he's taken away by someone else...I'll hang around for a little while, making small talk with the few people I know that are there, and then I'll sneak out quickly and she won't even know I was gone, hell by the time everyone's gone she won't even remember I'd even been there. She and Puck will crawl into bed with one another and hold each other, proud of their little boy and what their love created, and I'll be asleep in what was once our home, what was once our bed and I'll probably cry myself to sleep for the first time since she moved out.

After that, I'll get a birthday card here and there, but the few phone calls there might have been will be long since gone. I'll read the birth announcements in the paper instead of getting one in the mail and it'll be like we never even knew each other, never shared a bed or lives.

I won't see them again till eight years later, a Glee club reunion that Santana and Brittany of all people put together, Santana makes sure I go...she and Brittany have tried to hook me up with people over the years, but none of them ever compared to Rachel, not a single one. They're there of course, Rachel's expecting Puckerman baby number three, and Pucks arms are all around and just by looking at him I know that he is the happiest man on earth, and that together they're on cloud 9...and I guess I had something to do with that.

The funny thing is, Rachel does come up to me that night, and asks how my life is, she says I look tired, and that my eyes aren't the same as they use to be. I tell her that work and just regular stress has taken its toll, but I'm fine and she shouldn't worry. She would have ten years ago, but now with two kids, one on the way and a husband with the sex drive of a a something that has sex a lot, she doesn't have the time to worry...and I guess I understand that, because if that was my life...if that had been my life, I wouldn't either. But its not my life, and it never will be.

Nearly three years later Santana and Brittany finally convince me that living in the apartment we shared together isn't healthy...that by living there I'm just holding onto the ghost that was our marriage. Oddly enough with four kids and one more on the way, Santana's softened more then she'd care to admit to. So I do...I sell it, the new apartment is great...but its not home, then again no place without her really is.

I still teach, leaving the Kindergarten world behind and instead moving up to 7th grade English. Being around small children, its to painful...it was what I wanted with Rachel.

The next time we see each other Beth is 18 and graduating from high school. Shelby called and invited me, which I'm grateful for. I don't sit with them of course. Four kids, the two love birds paired up together, there's no room for Quinn (maybe I'm throwing myself a pity party here) but I'm there and give Beth the ring my grandmother gave me when I turned 16. I know my chances to ever have children are shot, so I know that she'll take it and treasure it, and she does. I go to dinner with the family, and make small talk here and there, mostly downing my wine and picking at the appetizers. I tell Beth i'm proud of her, and why I did what I did, I apologize why I stayed away while Puck and Rachel stayed close, she looks at them on the other end of the table and for the first time she understands.

"You really did love her, didn't you?" She asks me later that night

"So much so that I gave her up" I reply

The next time I get an invitation to a reunion or a glee club lunch I decline, and I put my apartment up for sale again. Santana and Britt are of course trying to find me something else, but I don't let them. I decide to go back to Connecticut; I don't have memories of Rachel there...I don't have people looking at me with sad eyes and knowing what I went through. I think at that point in my life, I just cut myself off. Santana is the only one with my address and she promises to not give it up, so long as I check in with her every so often. I agree, and I do.

And I guess this is where I live out the rest of my days, I keep in contact with Beth sporadically who fills me in very little on the Puckermans and how happy they are with their lives. I'm happy for them, no, I really am. All I wanted was for Rachel to be happy, to have the love she deserved. I'm not saying she wouldn't have gotten it with me, because I would have loved her even after my last breath, but Puck was her true love.

When I'm 40, I find a lump in my breast, I find it late (something I wouldn't have done if I'd been with Rachel, both sexually and not so sexually she'd always check my breasts and make sure I did as well) late enough where its metastasize to my lungs and liver. I choose not to do anything. As morbid as it sounds, why fight it when there's no one to fight for me. Probably my own fault, but its the truth.

The doctors give me six weeks without chemo, and Santana calls her.

"You're not dying, because we're suppose to grow old together" She practically yells at me.

I tell her that was the plan, and then she married Puckerman.

I ask her if she's happy, and she responds very simply.

"I'd be a hell of a lot happier if you weren't going to leave me on this earth by myself."

I almost think of it selfish of her to ask that, but then again I'm probably the selfish one in this whole mess.

She's gotten older, she's got a slight grey streak, her eyes are a little more tired, but she's still as beautiful to me she was the day I met her.

I die in her arms, isn't that anti-climatic? She holds me until my lungs fill up with water, and I suffocate (Now how morbid does that sound?) but my soul its resting, and she'll sit Shiva for me, I know she will, and maybe in the next life we'll get to be together.

But of course Diary...this is all what I can only imagine will happen, I guess a mind really is a terrible thing to waste.

- Q. Berry


	2. Chapter 2

Just so no one is confused by the sudden change from chapter 1 to 2, Chapter was simply a Diary entry in Quinns POV. Not something that actually happened.

Read and Enjoy!

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"What do I do San? How do I learn to be ok with this?"

It hadn't really hit Quinn about what she decided to do until she got the text from Rachel saying she wouldn't be home that night. That text made it all the more real and the desire to drink even stronger then it probably should have. Knowing that her wife wasn't going over to Puck's just for dinner...that his hands would be all over her; that she'd be exposed to him. It made her want to vomit, but that would be a waste of her wine, no wasting wine, that was bad.

"You don't, Fabray. If Britt ever wanted something like this with cripples or trouty mouth there's no way in hell I would ever be ok with it. You're a better person then I am for not making her choose."

Sadly she was right, not that she was a better person but that no one else would let their wife fuck another man just to make them happy. Then again most people weren't Quinn Fabray, the girl who would have given a kidney if it meant Rachel was happy and smiling again. She just figured that the universe had finally caught up with for all the horrible things that she'd done to people over the years, this was karma finally kicking her hard in the ass.

"Look, its your life...but this is Puckerman, you had a lizard baby with him and now you're giving him your wife and pretending your fine with it which is bullshit because that's your second glass of wine and you've only been here a half hour. You might pretend to be ok with this, but I know you better then most people Fabray so I know you're not, because you're doing what I use to do with Britt when she was with Artie or Sam, you're imagining them fucking and cuddling and doing all that sick shit that the breeders do and its breaking your heart into a fucking million pieces. Auntie Snix is going to give you some tough love here, Q...don't let this go on forever. When you want your wife you let her know, don't let Puck control all of this. She's your wife, you're Mrs. Berry, not Puck. You don't listen to me, and you is going to regret it Quinnie. You is going to regret it big time."

"San you be nice to Q!" Britt yelled from the kitchen "Or else no sweet lady kisses for you tonight"

When Brittany meant business, she meant business.

"Calm B, you know Auntie Snix is coming from a place of love" Santana called back, knowing very well she was in jeopardy. "Because I love you Q, and because I was your maid of honor, I don't want to see him take away everything you've worked your ass off for to Puckerman of all people."

"I'm going to loose her, San...aren't I?" She questioned the smaller girl as the tears finally started to slide down her cheeks "He's going to win this"

It was the first time since this had started that she'd truly let herself cry over it; he's always said that he'd get in Rachel's pants, clearly he wasn't kidding about how quickly he would.

"He already has, hunnie"


	3. Chapter 3

"She's pregnant"

It was like a knife through her chest, she knew her little Brunette hadn't been feeling well, but she'd just been stupid enough to believe that it was the flu or a stomach virus. Her wife was having Puck's baby, and she just had to sit back be okay with it. Like it was planned, natural, and happy. It wasn't any of those things, at least not to her.

"I warned you letting Puckerman sleep with you wife was dangerous business, Q." Santana replied gently, yet sternly "You let him in your wife's pants, and how did you not expect something like this to happen?"

Santana was right...then again, she was always right. She just figured Puck of all people would be careful, safe enough not to knock anyone else up the way he had done to her in high school. Stupid was how she felt, this was all her fault.

Baby's had always been a tough spot for her. Giving up Beth was something she still hurt over, and saw her shrink weekly about. It probably was pathetic, but it was something she couldn't talk to anyone about. Not Puck, not Rachel, the shrink was her safe spot. Now **her** wife was having a baby with the guy she'd had a baby with and had given away. How was this even her life?

"He was so happy when she told him...I don't think I've ever seen his face like up like that, San." She sighed "And...and she was the same, it was like I wasn't even in the room. We were talking about starting a family...but, this isn't what I thought would happen."

Santana desperately wanted to smack some sense into the broken blonde in front of her, but she couldn't. One look at the pain in Quinn's eyes told her that being harsh about this wasn't going to make Quinn grow a new pair or feel better, it was only going to make the regret feel deeper and hurt so much more.

"I don't want to be part of this sick family, San...I...I don't even know how I'm suppose to react. I just left...I couldn't even stomach being in the apartment anymore. This is my fault, I get that but, fucking Puckerman I swear to god I could kill him right now." She cried "I know Rachel's probably panicked right now, but I didn't give a damn, I just left."

"She's probably got Puck taking care of her right now anyway" Britt chimed in, a shock to both of the girls in the room. She'd stayed so silent about the whole situation from day one. "I'm sorry Q, it sounds harsh but its the truth. She's either kicked him out or she's crying in his arms over this, and I sincerely doubt that she kicked him out."

Brittany was so much smarter then any of them.

"You have two options" She continued "And San will agree with me I'm sure. You can either go home and suck it up, pretend that you're ok with her having his baby and having to co-parent and be miserable silently while they're happy...or you can go home, pack your bags and take our guest room until you figure it out what you really want to do. She's got Puck taking care of her, now its your turn to be taken care of."

* * *

Quinn had taken Brittany's advice, she finished off the bottle of wine she'd started on and then went home. The long walk from one apartment to the other, her brain racked itself trying to figure out what she'd do. Did she take their advice and pack a bag, and or go home and stay home. She'd already finished a package of cigarettes tonight, not much else could go wrong in her eyes. Her heart had already been blown out of her chest.

She entered the apartment quietly, dropping her keys on the coffee table before stopping dead in her tracks. His shoes and coat were right there next to the recliner...he hadn't gone anywhere, though a part of her knew he wouldn't. Once again Noah Puckerman had won, big surprise.

"Quinn..." Rachel called quietly from the kitchen "Is that you?"

Quinn so desperately wanted to call out that no it wasn't her, with some sarcastic bitchy remark, but she couldn't. This was Rachel.

"Yeah its me"

Walking into the kitchen, Quinn barely made eye contact with the brunette as she walked past her and straight to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. She couldn't look Rachel in the eyes, she sure as hell couldn't look at her midsection.

"Where...never mind, Santana's and Brittany's?" They'd been together for so long that of course Rachel knew where she'd gone after she stormed out. "Puck's in the guest room...we should talk about this"

"So he's staying then?" Already the effects of the wine were starting to hit her "I don't have anything to talk about, Rachel."

"Quinn please, we need to talk about this" She chided on "This effects you too."

"Oh wow, so we're actually going to pretend like my feelings matter now?" Quinn spat, probably a lot harsher then she wanted to "Because I'm not ok with this Rachel, I'm not ok with any of this and don't expect me to be."

She had a million horrible things in her head that she wanted to spew at Rachel, tell her how badly she was hurting, how much she'd broken her heart...but she couldn't. It was Rachel.

"Quinn, we always talked about starting a family...I understand that its not the way we wanted it to be, but its a baby, its our baby."

"No Rachel, no. Its not our baby, its Puck baby. By law there is nothing I can say or do in this child's life, because you know he sure as hell won't back off. That he'll be like a fucking Parana on you for the next nine months, and then once its born...well I don't even want to think about what its going to be like then."

"No" Rachel shook her head "No, you don't get to blame this on me, no because you said you wanted this. You said it was ok to sleep with him! You told me that you could handle being alone some nights and with me others. You were ok with this, Quinn!"

"I said you could fuck him, Rachel. I said you could go on dates with him, be a couple, do whatever the fuck you two wanted to do together, but never **never** did I say it would be ok to get pregnant. That something that should be so exciting and precious in our lives, could be his too! I wouldn't be surprised if he got you pregnant on purpose."

"Now you're just being cruel, Quinn" She glared "What do you want me to do? Have an abortion, give it up for adoption like you did Beth?!"

In that moment Quinn wished she still had the strength and courage to do to Rachel what she'd done prom night of Junior year, but she wasn't her Father, Rachel had told her that for years. Rachel would keep her baby...something Quinn would never get the joy of doing. With the same fucking guy.

"Have your baby with him, Rachel...but don't expect me to stick around and watch."

Storming out of the kitchen, Quinn went straight for their bedroom, the tears burning in the corner of her eyes as her heart pumped furiously. She didn't give a shit if she woke Puck up, he was probably grinning in bed anyway, waiting for her to leave so he swoop in and be the prince charming he always seemed to be. Her heart was slowly going dumb, she loved Rachel, she loved her more then she would ever be able to describe...but she couldn't do this. She could do a lot of things, go above and beyond of what was asked of her, but not this time. Puck had won, Puck had won.

She didn't hesitate to look back as she went into their closet and pulled out a suitcase, automatically throwing clothes in it. She wouldn't stick around, she wouldn't watch any of this happen. How she hadn't put a razer blade to her wrists yet, she didn't know.

"What are you doing?...Quinn, what are you doing?! Where are you going?"

"I can't Rachel, I'm sorry...but I can't" Quinn sighed, a mess of tears sliding down her face as she threw the suitcase onto what was once their bed, opening her nightstand to throw things in as well. "I can't be in a marriage with both of you, I can't watch you carry his baby, I just...I'm done."


End file.
